


And Without You is How I Disappear

by Frankies_one_and_only



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angry Frank, Fluff, Frerard, M/M, Platonic Frikey, Smut, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-18 15:26:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3574589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frankies_one_and_only/pseuds/Frankies_one_and_only
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank, Gerard and Mikey were best friends for nine years, until a tragic event turns life upside down for all of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue - We're the Beginning of the End

**Author's Note:**

> Only my second fic....was on hold for a bit, but am hoping to get back into it! Let me know what you think! :) 
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter 1 title inspiration - Fall Out Boy - "Young Volcanoes"

I hate Gerard Way.

Actually, I don’t hate him….hate isn’t a strong enough word. I despise Gerard Way; I loathe him. I would like nothing more than to put my hands around his neck and squeeze the life out of him. The rage I feel when I think about him is overpowering. It wipes out all rational thoughts and makes me feel like some kind of psychopath.

I haven’t always felt like this though. I had been best friends with Gerard, and his little brother Mikey for years; ever since they moved into the house next door when I was 8. I clearly remember the day they Ways moved in. It was early autumn so the days were warm and windy with plenty of sunshine. I was outside riding my bike along the sidewalk in front of our house when I saw a moving van pull up. Two boys jumped out of the passenger side and made a beeline towards me. The looked to be about my age, though a bit taller. Both had dark hair and big eyes and were dressed just like me in jeans, t-shirts, and ratty sneakers.

I jumped off my bike and smiled at them as they approached. I was a bit nervous, but the prospect of having two boys living next door to play with pushed all that in the background.

“Hey, I am Frank….I live there.” I said, motioning to my house.

“Oh cool, I’m Gerard and this is Mikey. We are moving in next to you. How old are you?”

“I’m 8.” I said.

“I’m 8 too!’ Mikey almost squealed. ‘Gerard is 10 and thinks he rules me, but he doesn’t.” Gerard gently pushed his brother and laughed a bit, Mikey joining him.

I giggled at the two boys and instantly knew we were going to be the best of friends.

And I was right. We were.

The three of us spent almost all of our time together from that point on. We climbed trees, rode bikes, had sleepovers, and got into all kinds of trouble. Typical all-American boys, pushing our parents’ boundaries and testing our limits. The only time we weren’t together was during school and that was only because I went to a private Catholic high school across town and they went to the public school up the street.

Time moved on as it does and the three of us dealt with all of the changes that life throws at you as a group. When Gerard admitted that he not only liked girls, but boys too, Mikey and I supported him. When my parents divorced, Mikey and Gerard were the only ones that kept me sane. When Mikey fell out of a tree one summer and broke his arm, Gerard and I skipped the pool the whole summer to stay with him. We were a team; a family. We had each other, and it seemed like that was all in the world we needed.

But, like everything else in life, reality hit us hard.

I was 17 the day the world fell out from underneath me. It is a day seared into my memory and I know that when I die, it will be the memory that haunts my afterlife.

It was Gerard’s graduation day and the three of us, as usual, had spent the day together. Mikey and I sat in the stands during the graduation ceremony and cheered and whistled and whooped as loud as we could when Gerard crossed the stage to get his diploma. We went out for food afterwards then went home and spent the rest of the afternoon lounging in Mikey’s room listening to records and getting stoned.

“Hey Frank, did Gee tell you that he got his acceptance letter to SVA?” Mikey asked.

I looked over at Gerard, whose eyes were suddenly very focused on the tops of his Converse. “Uh, no…..he failed to mention it. I didn’t even know he had officially applied.”

A couple of years ago, the three of us decided that Gerard was going to wait a year before heading off to college in hopes that we could all go to New York at the same time. Even though he was two years older, Gerard was only one year ahead of us in school. Gerard wanted to major in Art and the School of Visual Arts in NYC had all of the programs Gerard wanted and he developed his portfolio specifically with them in mind. Mikey and I both wanted to attend NYU to major in Music. Mikey hoped to get into the recoding and production side of the industry and I wanted to perform and maybe teach others. Honestly, college really wasn’t big on my list, but I knew that the connections I could make by going to school could be huge.

“Gee, what happened to our plan? I thought we had all agreed on this?” I was trying to keep the hurt out of my voice, but I just couldn’t. I felt betrayed.

Gerard didn’t say anything. He just sat there, staring at his feet, the blunt in his hand burning into nothing.

It was Mikey that broke the silence. “He didn’t tell me or Mom either Frank. I was just as surprised and irritated as you. He won’t tell me why he applied now instead of waiting. Hell, if I hadn’t seen the envelope in the mail before he took off with it, none of us would know.”

“What the hell Gee? Why hide this? I just don’t understand……I thought…..we promised…..” I trailed off not knowing what else to say.

I had told Gerard things about myself that no other living being knew. I told him everything, even the things that I was ashamed of. It tore me up inside that he had hidden this from me….and from Mikey.

Before I could say anything else, Gerard stood up, walked to the door, and left without even a glance back. I stared after him, my mouth open and tears pooling up in my eyes. The sound of the front door slamming told us that he had left the house. Mikey went after him, but before he could make it down the stairs, I heard Gerard’s car engine roar to life. I got up and looked out the window just in time to see him peeling out of the driveway and down the street.

“He’s probably headed to that graduation party.” Mikey said as he came back into the room. Some kid in the senior class was throwing a major bash to celebrate the official end of his high school career and had invited damn near everyone in the school. Mikey and I had been invited, but neither of our parents would allow us to go. They knew, just as we did, that there were going to be lots of booze and drugs and sex, and seeing as we were only 17, they couldn’t in good conscience let us go. We had talked about sneaking out, but now that didn’t seem like an appealing option.

I was still looking out the window watching the sun slowly set, letting tears silently stream down my face. I couldn’t believe he just left. For the last 9 years, through all of the ups and downs of adolescence, Gerard had never walked away from me. He’d held me when I cried over breaking up with my first girlfriend. When I had my tonsils taken out the year before, he had gotten up at 4AM on a weekend to get me ice cream from the store when we ran out. He was my best friend. He was my rock. And now he was leaving.

I sighed and turned away from the window. “Mikey, why do you think he hid it from us?”

Mikey flopped onto the bed and looked up at me. “Frank, I have no idea. I mean, we all knew he would get in, so it can’t be because he was afraid he would get rejected. Other than that, I have no clue.”

Mikey and I stared at each other for a few minutes before I moved to join him on the bed. Lying next to him, I quietly sighed and reached out to hold his hand. That was the cool thing about the Way brothers. Physical affection like this didn’t bother them like it would have most guys. They knew that I needed tactile contact sometimes and they didn’t blow it out of proportion of turn it into an issue. To them, it was just one of my quirks.

“Frank, why are you crying? Is something going on?”

Rather than answer him, I sighed again, and turned my head to look at him. Puberty had been good to Mikey Way. He was tall, taller than Gerard now, and lanky; all legs and arms and shaggy hair. His facial features were sharp and angular, a strong square jaw and straight nose, his eyes a light hazel green. He wore dark rimmed glasses that made his eyes seem even bigger than they were.

“You know Mikey Way, you are kinda hot.”

Mikey just laughed and shook his head. “Thanks, but that isn’t an answer to my question. Why are you crying? I get being pissed off, but why the tears?”

“Would you believe me if I said I don’t know? Because I really don’t. I am angry at him, but I feel broken inside too. He’s leaving a whole year ahead of us. All the plans we made, all the promises, it’s like they mean nothing to him and it just hurts.” I couldn’t wrap my head around how I felt and I couldn’t offer Mikey any other explanation.

Mikey simply nods. Neither of us said anything and in the quiet, we end up falling asleep.  
Several hours later, we are woken up by the sound of Mikey’s mom Donna screaming.

“I don’t care that you are 19 Gerard Way, I want you home now! You still live under this roof and you still live by my rules. So YOU.HOME.NOW. Either that or you will lose your car!”

There is a pause in the conversation and Mikey and I make our way down to the kitchen where Donna is pacing back and forth. “Are you drunk? If you are, stay there and I’ll come get you. No, don’t drive. Are you sure? Ok, but don’t let anyone else drive if they are bad off too. Fine. Half hour young man, then I want you here.” Donna hangs up and looks at us.

“That boys is exactly why you two were not going to that damn party!” Without another word, she walks off to the living room to wait for Gerard.

I look at the clock on the stove and see it is almost two in the morning. Mikey is shaking his head, a small smirk on his face.

“I guarantee he is trashed. I can’t believe he answered his phone. He knew mom would be pissed. It’s going to be an epic fight when he rolls in.”

Mikey is right, I hadn’t seen Donna this mad ever. She is normally pretty chill about stuff, but for some reason she is just livid. I definitely don’t want to stay around to watch what is coming.

“Hey Mikey, you wanna go crash at my place? That way we can actually sleep. Mom is working night-shift so she won’t care.”

Mikey’s eyes light up a bit and he nods, “Hell yes…I really don’t want to be here when this shit goes down.”

I chuckle a bit and walk into the living room, Mikey following behind. “Donna, I am gonna go home to sleep. It’s okay if Mikey comes over right?”

She nods and smiles. “It’s probably best if you boys go. I have a feeling it isn’t going to be pretty when he gets home.”

“Cool. Mikey, go grab your stuff and I am gonna head over now. Just come over when you’re ready.”

“Roger, roger.”

I giggle a bit at Mikey’s lame Star Wars reference and head to the door. I want to get out of here before Gerard shows up, plus I want to make sure I didn’t leave any porn laying out in my room. I mean, I tell Mikey everything, but there are just some things you don’t share with your friends. Your porn habits are one of them.

After I check my room I walk back downstairs, deciding to wait for Mikey out on the porch. I sit on the porch railing and reach into my pocket for my pack of cigarettes when I hear Mikey slam his front door shut. I see him walking down the sidewalk on his way to me when I hear a familiar loud engine barreling up the street. I turn my head just in time to see the headlights flash past my house and Gerard’s black Camaro swerve towards the sidewalk.

My heart leaps into my throat and I try to scream at Mikey, but it’s too late. All I can hear is the violent sound of metal crumpling and glass shattering, coupled with an ear-splitting scream. I jump off the porch and race over to the wreckage desperate to help, but what I see freezes me in place.

Blood.

Blood everywhere.

And there, lying pinned under the side of Gerard’s overturned car, is a pale and lifeless Mikey Way.

Gerard, what have you done?


	2. You Want a New Life

\--- Two Years Later ---

“MIKEY FUCKING WAY! If you are not out here in five minutes, I am leaving without you!”

Frank can hear Mikey laughing loudly in the other room. “As if you’d actually leave me behind” he calls back.

Frank smirks.

Mikey is right. He wouldn’t leave Mikey behind for anything, but he’d be damned if he was going to admit that to the skinny diva in the other room.

“Whatever you say Mikes, but seriously, we need to go. It’s already almost 9.”

Hearing movement in the hall, Frank turns his head to see Mikey finally emerging from his room.

“Ah, thanks for joining me. Now that you put your face on, are you ready to go?” teases Frank.

Mikey had changed quite a bit over the last couple years. Gone were the glasses and shaggy hair that used to dominate his looks. Now, his dyed black hair was cut shorter, gelled to perfection, and his eyes were rimmed perfectly with just the right amount of black eyeliner. He wore black jeans and a black button up shirt which he left untucked. His trademark smirk was already set firmly in place.

“I’m ready asshole, let’s get a move on! I’m gonna be late!” Mikey looks up to Frank and waves his hands towards the door.

Smiling, Frank turns to open the door letting Mikey wheel himself out onto the porch. “After you, Princess.”

Mikey’s flipped up middle finger was the only response he got. Frank giggled and locked the door behind them.

As he watched Mikey roll himself down the ramp and onto the sidewalk, Frank couldn’t help but feel that familiar burn of anger flaring up in his chest. He still struggled with the fact that Gerard had walked away from the wreckage with little more than a few scratches and a dislocated shoulder while his younger brother had been forever changed. Gerard didn’t even serve any jail time. He was fined for drinking and driving, consumption as a minor, and a few other charges. He served a shit ton of community service hours, had to pay a pretty hefty fine, and had his license suspended for a year, but that was it.

The younger Way wasn’t as lucky. The accident had left Mikey paralyzed from the waist down, his spinal cord severed from the force of the impact. He’d also sustained serious head trauma and still bore the scars from the multiple surgeries he’d needed to piece his skull back together, though most of those were covered by his hair. By all accounts, he was lucky to have survived at all. Every single doctor said the same thing, Mikey was a medical miracle. He should have died. He should have suffered major brain damage. He should have more permanent emotional scars.

But somehow, Mikey had proven them all wrong, though it was not an easy journey.

Mikey had been in the hospital for most of the summer, only being released a few days before the start of his senior year. Frank had been there through it all; every surgery, every physical therapy session, every psychiatry appointment. He had rarely left Mikey’s bedside. In fact, in the two years since the accident, Frank had been Mikey’s near constant companion. He had basically moved in once Mikey was able to go home. There were some things a 17 year old boy did not want his mother’s help with. Showering, getting dressed, going to the bathroom; these were all tasks that Mikey needed to relearn how to do on his own. In the meantime, Frank was there to help him since they both agreed that it was far less embarrassing for your best friend to see your dick flopping about in the shower than your mother. Frank had to be there since Gerard wasn’t.

Before Mikey had been released, Gerard packed his stuff and moved out. He hadn’t really been staying at the house anyway, choosing instead to crash on random friends’ couches as a way to avoid Frank. He only came to the hospital once, the day after the accident. Mikey hadn’t been awake yet and the doctors were still unsure if he would survive. He never spoke a word during his visit. He simply reached out and squeezed Mikey’s hand and then left. Frank hadn’t seen him since. Donna said he started SVA that fall as scheduled, but other than that she kept quiet about what he was doing. He never came back home, not even for holidays and he never called. Mikey was upset at first, but seemed to accept it after a few months. He still loved his brother, but Mikey still hadn’t forgiven him for being reckless and stupid. Frank could see the pain in Mikey’s eyes though…the pain of having your own brother nearly kill you and then leave. It was the one wound that Frank doubted would ever heal.

Once they graduated high school, both Mikey and Frank decided to hold off on going to college. Mikey had decided to wait a year as he was trying to come to terms with how his life would be now that he was confined to a wheelchair and Frank couldn’t bring himself to leave Mikey behind. That is what had started this whole thing in Frank’s opinion. Gerard had decided to leave them behind and look what happened. Frank fully believed that if Gerard had kept his promise, the accident wouldn’t have happened at all. They wouldn’t have argued and the three boys would have probably stayed in, ordering pizza and watching shitty movies all night. Everything would be ok if Gerard hadn’t gone behind their backs and chosen to move on without them.

Now, two years later, so much had changed. Frank and Mikey had just moved into their new apartment in New York. It had taken a small miracle to convince Donna to let Mikey move out of the house, but the boys had been persistent. Mikey was enrolled in the music program at NYU just like he had planned on. They had found a first floor apartment 5 blocks from campus that was reasonably priced and wheelchair friendly. He was starting his first day of classes today and had to be at the welcome center by 9AM to meet the personal assistant provided by the college.

Instead of classes, Frank would be heading to work. He had finally made the choice to forgo college all together and had managed to get a pretty decent job at a local music shop just a few blocks from the school. Frank always knew music was his passion and he wanted to focus on playing and making music, not reading about musical theory. The job at the shop allowed him to make contacts and get discounts on equipment and since it always closed by 5, Frank still had plenty of free time to book gigs.

Frank walked along as Mikey pushed his chair over the uneven sidewalks. Most people just moved out of their way so the boys didn’t have to worry about weaving around others. Mikey had said that was one good thing about being in wheelchair; even in New York, people just got out of your way without you asking.

“So, when we get there remember to give the PA my number so they can call if you need me for anything. I’m not that far and I can be here in 15 minutes.”

Mikey stopped moving and looked up at Frank. “Dude, chill out. Stop acting like a mother hen. I’ll be fine. I won’t keel over or fall apart just because you leave me for a few hours.”

Frank could only sigh. He had to admit, he was worried about leaving Mikey with someone else for the first time in ages. It made him nervous to think that something might happen to Mikey and he wouldn’t be there to help him.

“Fine, I’ll stop smothering you. But I want to make sure this PA isn’t some creep that will rob you blind once you’re alone with them.”

Mikey just huffed and continued on his way. They entered the NYU courtyard and saw the welcome center just up ahead. As they approached, a pretty brown haired girl with an ID hanging from a lanyard around her neck stood up from a bench and walked towards them.

“Hi, you must be Mikey.” She stuck her hand out and smiled warmly. “I’m Kristin. I’ll be your PA for this semester.”

Mikey flashed a huge smile and shook her hand lightly. He turned his head to look at Frank.  
“I think it is alright if you leave now, I don’t think she is a creep waiting to rob me blind.” The amusement in his voice was pretty clear and Frank just wanted to smack the smug smirk off his face.

“Alright, fine smartass, I’m gone. But I know you’ll miss me!” Frank leans down and plants a quick kiss on Mikey’s cheek. “I’ll be here at 4 to walk you home.”

As he walks away, Frank hears Kristin ask “Is that your boyfriend?” He can hear Mikey’s howling laughter echoing through the courtyard. “He wishes” was the last thing Frank heard before he turned the corner and stepped out onto the public sidewalk.

Frank chuckled to himself. That was one more thing that had changed. Frank had finally come to terms with the fact that he was not exactly straight. It was something he always suspected, but never really knew for sure. He had always dated girls, so he had no frame of reference. It was only after a chance encounter with an extremely attractive blonde guy in the hospitals dining area (and the subsequent make out session) that Frank realized that his gate swung both ways. When he rushed back to Mikey’s room to tell him what had happened, all Mikey said was “Finally! Mom, you owe me $20!”

Frank got to the music store in plenty of time to start his shift. The work was easy for Frank: ring up sales, answer questions about various instruments, help people sign up for private lessons, stock shelves…it was mindless work and Frank often found his mind wandering to other things. He thought quite a bit about what life would be like if there had been no accident. What would it be like if they had stuck to the plan and all came to the city together? Where would they be now?

Frank also though a lot about his feelings towards Gerard before the accident. He wondered about all the times he had cuddled up with Gerard when he was upset. All of the hand holding and lighthearted wrestling matches. The late night phone calls when they couldn’t sleep. Had these things meant more than just two friends being close? Had Gerard thought Frank liked him? Did Gerard like Frank? While it was true that Frank did these things with both Way brothers, he did seem to find himself drawn more to Gerard when it came to that kind of stuff. Frank had always though Gerard was beautiful. Where Mikey was long, lean and angular, Gerard was shorter and rounder, even feminine in some ways.

These thoughts drove Frank crazy. He reminded himself that however he felt before the accident no longer mattered. Now, Frank hated Gerard with a passion. Gerard had nearly killed his own brother by being stupid and then abandoned his family when they needed him most. And he didn’t just abandon Donna and Mikey. He had left Frank behind as well. The betrayal Frank felt coursing through his veins made him sick. He knew that it was slightly irrational to be so angry, but he couldn’t help himself. He just wanted to make Gerard suffer as much as Mikey had. He wanted Gerard to know what it was like to have your life change forever against your will.

The sound of the door chime roused Frank from his thoughts and he stood up to walk towards the counter. He could see a man standing there, his chin length black hair was wind-blown and he had on a black t-shirt and black skinny jeans that made his ass look phenomenal. Frank hoped he looked as good from the front as he did from back.

Frank cleared his through as he stepped behind the counter. “Hello there, what can I………”

Frank froze.

Standing there, with his huge golden hazel eyes wide open with shock, stood the very person that had been invading Frank’s thoughts all day.

Gerard.

Mother-fucking Gerard Way.

“FUCK!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is Chapter 2 - this should be the last chapter full of back story, but I felt like it was important to get out so the next chapters don't sound completely out of context.
> 
> Hoping to go for a more first person view point from here on out.
> 
> Chapter 2 title inspiration - frnkiero andthe cellabration - "Tragician"


	3. Novoaine

“What the FUCK are YOU doing here?” I snarled.

I could hear the bitterness in my voice, and I was momentarily surprised with the cold brutality seeping into my words. My whole body was quivering, almost like I had a chill, but I was anything but cold. I could feel the fire of hatred beginning to blaze in my chest, snaking its way into my veins; two years’ worth of anger, frustration, and betrayal stoking the flames.

We stood there for a few moments, neither of us saying anything. Gerard just continued to stare at me, his eyes wide. I could tell he was shaking slightly and he had reached out to grip the counter, as if he needed to hold on to something to remain upright.

“Frank?” His voice was barely a whisper.

He opens his mouth to say something else when the chime for the door sounds and we both turn our heads to see a couple of guys enter the store, heading straight for the drum kits.

I turn my attention back to the still shaking man in front of me. “Gerard. I’ll ask again, what are you doing here?” I try to keep my voice as level as possible now that there are other customers in the store, but I can’t help the sharp edge that still manages to creep in.

Swallowing hard, Gerard slowly turns his head to look me in the eyes. “Do you mean why am I here in the city or why I am here in the store?” I can tell he is trying to be a bit cheeky, but his voice is strained and rough, betraying his confidence.

“Both.” I deadpan.

“Well, I am here in the city because of school, but you already knew that.’ he pauses for a  
few seconds, biting on his bottom lip slightly before continuing. ‘And I am here in the shop to pick up guitar strings that are on hold for me.”

I scoff loudly. “Guitar strings? You don’t even play the guitar, why would you need strings?”

“They’re for my boyfriend.”

It was my turn to stare. I was surprised. Not at the fact he had boyfriend. I mean, I knew Gerard was Bisexual, but I was surprised at the fact he was dating at all. I assumed he would be so focused on school and plagued with guilt over what he had done that he would avoid getting into a relationship.

Apparently I was wrong.

“Huh, guess you moved on with your life pretty well then. I mean, new school, new friends, and a new boyfriend. You went and got yourself a whole new life after you destroyed Mikey’s.”

I could see all of the color drain from Gerard’s face. He actually looks like he is going to be sick which only spurs me on.

“You remember him right? Mikey. Your brother? The one you nearly killed because your stupid ass had to drive home drunk after you stormed off to a God damned party rather than stay home and work shit out with your friends! And then you fucking abandoned him when he needed you the most. You left him to rot while you ran off into the sunset!”

By the time I am done with my rant I am practically screaming and Gerard had seemingly shrunk in place, shoulders hunched over and head down, looking like he wanted to sink through the floor. I smirked at the sight, taking pleasure in making him uncomfortable….he deserves it.

“Mr. Iero, is there a problem here?” I turned my head and saw my boss, Mr. Ryland, standing in the doorway to the backroom.

Before I could say anything, Gerard jumped in, “No Sir, no problem. I am just picking up an order that was on hold. Some guitar strings for ‘Way’?” His voice is quivering slightly.

Mr. Ryland stood there for a moment, looking at me with a questioning look, before nodding and walking back into the storage room where we hold the pre-orders. I turn back to Gerard and meet his gaze for what seems like the millionth time today.

“Frank, I’m sor-“

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry. I don’t want to hear it.” I say, cutting him off midsentence.

Gerard sighs softly, but doesn’t continue. Mr. Ryland comes back up then, handing the package of guitar strings over to Gerard.

“Here you are Mr. Way. Just let us know if you need anything else.” He then turns to me saying “And Frank you can go ahead and leave for the day. I know you need to pick up your brother by 4.”

“Uh, thanks Mr. Ryland. I’ll see you next shift.” I reach under the counter to grab my keys and phone and shove them in my pockets and head out the front door, not giving Gerard another glance. As I get on the sidewalk, I reach in my pocket for my pack of cigarettes, taking one out, lighting up and taking a deep, long drag, relishing in the first taste of nicotine I’ve had all day.

“Frank, wait up a minute!” I groan, but stop and turn around watching as Gerard scurries up to me.

I wait, but he doesn’t say anything. He just stands there looking at me with an almost pissed off expression on his face. He looks like he is waiting for me to say something.

“Look Gerard, if you have something to say to me, you need to do it now. I have somewhere I need to be.”

“Yeah, with your brother. Who is that exactly? Unless you have a long lost sibling you discovered in the last two years, you are an only child.” Gerard’s arms are crossed over his chest and his is tilted to the side slightly, like he is studying me.

“Oh please, Mikey IS my brother for all intents and purposes. You left him and he had NO ONE else to depend on. You have no idea what he went through when you took off. You fucking broke him, physically and mentally. Your mom couldn’t do it on her own you know. So I stepped up. And YOU weren’t there!”

I had taken a step closer to Gerard without realizing it and now we were so close that our toes were nearly touching. We were face to face and he was staring at me intently, like he was trying to read my mind or something.

Gerard is the one to break eye contact, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. “I didn’t really think it was that bad Frank. Mom made it seem like everything was going ok.”

“Ok? What part of your brother being paralyzed and stuck in a hospital for 3 months comes across as ok to you?”

“….I dunno, I guess I just assumed if he wanted me there he would have asked. He never called, never reached out. I just thought it was better if I stayed away…better if I just cut myself out of his life......”

Gerard trailed off and let out a big sigh. “I want to see him Frank.”

I was so annoyed with him at that point, and my anger was still pulsing through my body, but I knew that I couldn’t deny him. I stepped back and took another long drag on my cigarette, holding the smoke in as long as possible, then slowly blowing it out. “Okay, I’ll talk to him. I don’t know if he’ll want to see you, but I’ll tell him. I’m not gonna push him into it either, so don’t ask.”

Gerard just nodded and reached into his pocket to grab his mobile phone. “Here, put your number in.” He handed it over and I punched in my cell number, calling myself before handing it back.

“I really need to go. I’ll call you….or Mikey will….whatever.” Gerard nodded and I turned away from him and started walking down the street towards campus.

As I walked, I was trying to figure out how I was going to break the ice about today’s events. I knew Mikey missed Gerard, more than he would ever admit to anyone, but I also knew he harbored a lot of anger, same as me. I was also afraid that if he did meet up with Gerard and things did not go well, it would be the final blow for Mikey’s emotional stability. I honestly don’t think he could take another let down when it came to his brother.

Sighing, I silently cursed Gerard. He seemed to have moved on so easily while Mikey and I struggled to piece our lives back together and create a new normal. It wasn’t fair. None of it was.

I didn't realize I was crying until I felt a tear fall onto my arm. I reached up and wiped the offending wetness from my cheeks and used the hem of my shirt to wipe my nose.

"God damn you Gee!" I thought. I spent two whole years bottling up all of these emotions, letting the anger I felt dominate my attitude towards Gerard. I was totally fine being numb to everything else. Now the scab had been ripped off and I was pretty sure I wasn't ready for what was coming next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, here is a bit shorter chapter. Hoping to get into the good stuff in the next 1-2 chapters so hope you'll stick with me :)
> 
> (And please forgive me if it is choppy, I wrote this with 2 toddlers screaming and Disney Jr. blasting in the background!!)
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter 3 title inspiration - Fall Out Boy - Novocaine


	4. Our Lady of Sorrows

I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I heard Mikey before I saw him.

I looked up to find him sitting near the same bench I had left him at this morning, but this time, rather than sitting on the bench, his PA Kristen was perched quite comfortably in Mikey’s lap, arms draped around his shoulders. Their faces were close, foreheads nearly pressing together, and their giggles echoed throughout the courtyard. The smile on Mikey’s face was so big I seriously thought it might split his face in two.

I couldn’t help the slight smirk that took residence on my face as I approached them and for the moment, all of the drama with Gerard was forgotten.

“Well Mikes, I see you had an eventful day.” I crooned.

Kristen jumped slightly raising her face towards me, a slight blush spreading across her cheeks as she slowly stood, leaving her hand lingering on Mikey’s shoulder.

“Yeah Frankie, you could say I had a very eventful day.” Mikey reached up and took Kristin’s hand in his, pulling her closer to his side. The look that passed between the two made it quite obvious that they had bonded over the course of the day. I shook my head, slightly impressed.

“Geez man, you work fast. So…did you manage to actually make it to any of your classes?” I teased.

“Psh…of course I did. Kristin is an excellent PA and made sure I made it to every class. On time even.”

“Mikey isn’t giving himself enough credit for today, he was very focused on his classes. I barely had to remind him of anything.”

“Uh huh, that’s because he was showing off.” Mikey rolled his eyes, but didn’t disagree with me.

“Well, I guess I’ll let you two get going. I’ll see you tomorrow at 9 Mikey.” Kristin bent down, giving Mikey a soft kiss on the cheek before turning and walking towards the welcome center.  
Mikey’s gaze followed her until she went through the double doors before he finally turned his chair around to face me, wagging his eyebrows and giggling like a teenage girl. I just shook my head.

“After you Romeo.” I gestured for him to get a move on and he started pushing himself towards the street with me, as usual, following behind.

Now that the immediate distraction of finding a girl sitting on my best friends lap had passed, the day’s confrontation with Gerard quickly crept back into my train of thought. The tears that had fallen earlier were gone, replaced with a sort of cold, tingling numbness. I wanted to start up a conversation with Mikey, about anything really, just something to occupy my mind, but the noise level on the street made it difficult to hear each other so conversation was ruled out.

At least the short, silent walk home would give me time to figure out how to broach the subject of Gerard’s desire to talk to Mikey. Or at least I hoped it would. The numbing cold I had been feeling started to dissipate and in its place I felt a rising panic start to take over in my chest. I hadn’t had a panic attack in over a year and damn it to Hell, I wasn’t going to let Gerard Way push me into one.

Once we got to the apartment, I quickly stepped around Mikey and unlocked the door letting us both through; me collapsing on the couch and Mikey heading towards the kitchen. It wasn’t long before I heard Mikey start to complain.

“Dude, I am fuhking starving…..and we have zilch in this house yet. I think we should order pizza.”

“Whatever you want Mikes, I’m not really hungry.” I was trying desperately to control my breathing and keep my voice even, but of course Mikey had picked up the fact that I sounded off.

It was quiet for a second before I heard him wheel himself out to the living room, stopping by my spot on the couch. I glanced up at him and he caught my gaze. We just started at each other for a minute, Mikey furrowing his eyebrows and cocking his head to the side. The “Mikey Way Stare” is legendary and has been known to bring lesser men to their knees. I sighed and rolled towards the back of the couch, closing my eyes and burying my face into the cushions. If I can’t see him, he can’t crack me. Or so I told myself.

“Frank are you sick? You never turn down pizza. And I guarantee you didn’t eat at work today. Are you okay? Did something happen?”

Leave it to Mikey Fuhking Way to bring on the inquisition.

I knew if I didn’t give him some kind of answer that he would just end up pestering me all night long until I spewed forth my secrets and I really didn’t want to go through all that, especially while trying to talk myself down from a full fledged panic attack. But God, I just didn’t know what to say. I was scared; scared that all this would send Mikey into a tailspin, scared that Mikey would forgive him too easily, scared that letting Gerard back into our lives, even in small ways, would only end up hurting both of us all over again.

I sighed again and sat up, reaching for my pack of cigs on the coffee table. Pulling one out, I lit it quickly and took a drag, hoping that it would calm my nerves enough to actually man up and tell Mikey what had happened. I realized then that my hands were shaking; maybe smoking wasn’t the best idea because Mikey noticed too.

“Frank, please tell me what’s going on. This isn’t like you. You’re starting to worry me. What’s wrong?”

Mikey’s voice was starting to quiver and he reached out, softly resting his hand on my bouncing knee. For some reason that small gesture pushed me over the edge. Tears erupted from my eyes and I broke down into loud, heaving sobs; covering my face with my hands to hide myself from Mikey’s ever watching gaze.

“Oh my God, Frank….please….please tell me what’s wrong?” Mikey choked out. I pulled my hands away to look at him and could see the worry and fear in his eyes. That was it; that was all it took. I couldn’t bear to see him be upset because of me. I decided to just lay it all out.

“Mikey….I…..I saw him today. At work. He….he came in to pick up some guitar strings and he just….damn Mikey I….I just wasn’t prepared to see him.”

“Frankie, who did you….wait….oh shit….you saw HIM? Gerard? Holy fuhk! You saw Gerard today? What the actual fuhk Frank? Did he know you worked there? Did he show up on purpose? Wait…guitar strings? He doesn’t even fuhking play! What did he say?” Mikey was practically screeching at the end, the vein in his neck pulsing from the strain.

“Shit, calm down Mikes. I don’t need you to stroke out.” Taking a deep breath while staring into Mikey’s eyes, I reached my hand forward, gently brushing his cheek with the back of my fingers. “Seriously Mikes, take a breath. I’m calming down so you have to as well.”

Mikey closed his eyes and drew in a breath, still shaky, but much more composed. “Frankie, please…..what happened?”

“He came into the store and went straight up to the counter. I didn’t see his face at first, not until I walked around to ask if he needed anything. I swear to you Mikey, it felt like time stopped. I couldn’t believe he was there…standing a foot from me after 2 years of nothing. And I was so mad Mikes, so so mad. I wanted to strangle him. He acted so flippant at first, like he thought that leaving for 2 years and never coming back was an okay thing to do, ya know? It just made me even angrier.”

“How….how is he? Does he look ok? I mean….shit, I dunno. I guess, does he look happy?”

“Yeah, he looked good Mikes, real good. Too good. And the guitar strings weren’t for him by the way. They were for his boyfriend, so yeah, I’d definitely say he is doing ok.” I couldn’t keep the venom out of my voice and Mikey could only sigh.

We sat in silence for a few minutes while Mikey rubbed his eyes and tried to absorb what I’d told him so far. Mikey’s face was pale and when he lifted his head back up I could see the look of defeat written all over him.

“How about we go to bed Mikes, we can talk about this more tomorrow. We’ve both had a long day.”

Mikey nodded, not saying a word, and spun himself around to head down the hall to his room. I went through the apartment shutting lights off and checking the locks before walking down to Mikey’s room.

“You need help?” I asked. Mikey could pretty much fully dress and undress himself at this point, but sometimes when he was really tired or something he needed a bit of help.

“You don’t have to Frank, I’ll manage.”

I huffed a bit, shaking my head. “Oh please Michael James Way, I know I don’t have to do anything, but I’m offering. So shut up and take my help.”

Mikey couldn’t help the smirk that turned up at the corner of his lips. “Fine then douche, just make it quick. I want to sleep.”

Mikey and I had this routine down pat. It was like a dance really. He would move, I would move. Bending and leaning just the right way; he would push, I would pull, our bodies perfectly in sync with each other. It was almost beautiful in an abstract way.

Before you could blink, I had Mikey’s shoes, socks, and ridiculously tight skinny jeans off and was helping him shift from his chair to the bed, propping him up on some pillows. He took his shirt off leaving him clothed just in his tight boxer briefs. It was moments like this, when he was laying there looking so relaxed, that you would never know he had no control over his lower body. He didn’t look broken. He looked like every other 19 year old man, young and virulent; ready to take on the world.

I didn’t realize I was staring until I heard Mikey chuckle.

“Stop staring at my sexy body Frank. I know I’m hot and all, but ewww…you’re like family.”

I sniggered, “Oh please, you couldn’t handle me if you tired Way.”

“Eh, maybe you’re right, but seriously…stop oogling my goods man.”

I flipped him off, pulling the covers up over his long body before shoving his shoulder a bit. “Go to sleep dickwad. I’ll see you in the morning. Yell if you need me.”

“Yes mother. Good night.”

I rolled my eyes and walked out the door, shutting it behind me. My room was directly across from Mikey’s and was still cloaked in darkness. I wandered in, falling onto my bed, not even bothering to take off my clothes.

Mikey had taken the news better than I thought he would. I could still see that it hurt him though, no matter how hard he was trying to appear indifferent. I only hoped that when we got to the part about the possibility of Gerard actually talking to him that he wouldn’t break completely.

As I lay there, waiting for sleep to take me, I found it difficult not to think about my “all over the place” reactions to seeing Gerard. The anger I understood, welcomed even. But the crying, the panic, the ache in my chest. Those things I couldn’t comprehend. I’d spent all of the last 2 years waiting for my moment to give Gerard Hell, to speak my mind and to give him at least a taste of the pain and torment he’d bestowed upon Mikey and I. But now that he had shown up, albeit due to a totally random twist of fate, I found my anger ebbing, being replaced with all of these other emotions that I couldn’t identify.

“Fuhking Christ Frank, just go to sleep.” I groaned.

Rolling over, I wiggled around, making my way under the covers until I was snuggled deep into my comforter.

‘Sleep.’ I thought ‘Deal with this all tomorrow.’

My breathing evened out, my body relaxed, and the last thought I had before I drifted into nothingness was ‘Gerard.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long, dialogue filled chapter. Hope you manage to get through it. Next chapter or two should have a bit of Frerard ;)
> 
> Chapter 4 title inspiration - My Chemical Romance - Our Lady of Sorrows


	5. Operate

I couldn’t breathe. 

My mouth was stretched so tightly around his cock that it was causing my airway to pinch off. 

Damn, he was big. Fuhking huge.

But he felt good….oh God, he felt so good. His cock was hot and heavy, filling my mouth with the taste I craved; bitter and salty, but slightly sweet and oh so good….the unique taste of Gerard. 

My senses were overwhelmed. His taste. His smell. The feeling of the hard wood floor on my knees. The way his fingers felt tangled in my hair, pulling just enough to send white hot sparks shooting down my spine. My own cock was rock hard and flushed; pre-cum leaking from my tip in steady streams. 

I moaned….FUHK! If blowing him was this good, I couldn’t wait to take it further. 

“Oh you like that don’t ya Frankie baby….you like having my hard cock in your mouth.” Gerard purred deeply as he began to thrust into my mouth. 

“Hmmmmm,” was all I could manage as I felt his dick hit the back of my throat. I relaxed into it, feeling the pulse of his cock on my tongue as I swallowed around him. Thank fuhk I didn’t seem to have a gag reflex.  
“Fuhk Frankie!” Gerard cried out. “Shit, you’re gonna make me cum already baby.”

I looked up at him, purposefully widening my hazel eyes, letting my gaze linger on his face before placing my hands on his hips and pushing him backwards so he was pressed up against the wall. My mouth slid smoothly off of his heavy cock, a strand of spit and pre-cum dripping off my swollen lips. 

“I want you to cum Gee. I want you to fuhking cum all over my face.” My voice was hoarse and lusty, already wrecked from the pounding it had taken. 

Gerard groaned, closing his eyes and rolling his head back, “Jesus Frankie, you’re so hot.”

I grinned up at him. “Hot for you Gee. Only for you.” Gerard moaned loudly in response and tightened his grip in my hair.

I wrapped my left hand around his wet dick, twisting my wrist slightly as I stroked long and hard from his base to the tip, rubbing my thumb over his head and collecting some of his pre-cum.

“Gee, you’re so wet. Fuhk. You are so ready to cum for me aren’t you?”

“Oh Frankie, yeah….oh please, make me cum!” God he was so close, I could hear it in his voice and feel it in the way his cocked twitched in my hand. The sounds he was making, sounds of pure sex, jolted through my body making my dick ache in the best possible way. 

I leaned forward slightly, flicking my tongue over the head as I continued to stroke him hard and fast. The biting taste of his pre-cum made my mouth water and I couldn’t help but wrap my lips around his head, sucking and milking him, Gerard quivering and moaning above me. I reached up with my right hand and cupped his balls, rolling them and tugging gently. I felt the pulse in his cock kick harder and harder and I knew he was going to cum. 

“Oh God Frankie….Frankie! Oh fuhk, I’m gonna cum…oh….shit!” Gerard let out a loud, whorish moan and then he was cumming. I pulled back, removing my mouth just in time to feel him shoot all over my face. That was all it took for me to blow my own load, completely untouched. The warm feeling of his cum dripping down my face, across my lips and cheeks made me whimper and shiver in pleasure. Rope after rope of my hot, white cum streaking over my legs and the pale wood floor. 

I sat back, resting on my heels and bracing my hands against the floor as I tried to regain my breath. I glanced up to see Gerard sliding down the wall, absolutely spent from the intensity of his orgasm. He was beautiful like this, totally open and unafraid. It made my heart swell to think that I got to see him like this. 

It was in that moment that something felt……off. I heard a faint noise coming from somewhere, but I didn’t recognize it. I suddenly felt really warm, almost suffocating. The noise was getting louder and my ears were ringing. 

“Gee, do you hear that?” I turned to look at him, but he was gone. “Gee? Gerard?” He wasn’t here. 

He left me. He left me again. 

Panic set it. He was gone. He left. I wasn’t good enough. 

I wasn’t enough. 

I bolted upright in my bed, drenched in sweat, my clothes plastered to my body. My alarm clock was buzzing on the bedside table. My heart was racing and head was foggy. I reached over, slamming my hand down to shut off the alarm. It was sweltering under the comforter and it took me a few moments to process why I was still fully clothed. 

I was dreaming. 

It was just a dream. 

“What the actual fuhk?” I rubbed my face with my hands and tried to focus on waking up fully. It had all felt so real. I swear I could still taste him on my tongue; his scent still filled my head. 

I flopped backwards with a sigh, kicking the covers off in an attempt to cool off. I felt like I had showered with all my clothes on. I quickly realized what the wet, sticky feeling between my legs was: a direct result of the very vivid dream I had just had.

Holy shit, I came in my fuhking pants. I had a wet dream like some pubescent 14 year old. And it was all due to Gerard. 

I can’t believe I had a dream like that. About him. About us. 

I just laid there staring at the ceiling, my thoughts spinning out of control. I tried desperately to cling onto some kind of rational thought, some kind of solid thinking that would help me understand what the hell was going on with my mind over the last 24 hours. 

I had never really thought of Gerard in a sexual way before. I mean, yeah I always thought he was attractive when we were growing up, but I hadn’t even been aware of my sexuality then so thoughts of being with him like “that” had never been there. We cuddled and stuff and held hands back then, but I had done those same things with Mikey and I was certainly not having erotic dreams about him. 

To be honest, sex was generally not even something on my radar most of the time. In high school, the most I had ever done with any of the few girlfriends I had was a few kisses, barely any tongue. I don’t think I even got to first base and looking back I never had the motivation to get any farther anyway. 

Now that I had finally figured out and come to terms with my sexuality, I still hadn’t gone very far. Sure, the totally random and completely surprising make out session with Hot Hospital Guy had been an amazing and eye opening thing, but I hadn’t pursued anything with him or anyone else for that matter. 

I hadn’t dated in the two years since the accident. I hadn’t even tried. 

That was due to a couple of reasons I guess, the most important being that my sole focus had been on being there for Mikey and making sure that he was taken care of. Mikey’s needs came before mine and even though there had been a couple of guys that had shown interest over the years, I never acknowledged it. It also didn’t help that I was carrying around so much anger and bitterness towards Gerard. 

But obviously there was something deeper going on. Something beyond the friendship we had. 

Something that surpassed the hurt and betrayal I felt when Gerard left after the accident. Something that turned me into a weeping, panicky bundle of nerves after just a few moments face to face with him. Something that I had hidden from myself for years. Something that turned my stomach into a quivering mess of anxiety. Something that would change everything. 

“Oh!” I sat up quickly and moved to the side of the bed, my feet dangling over the edge. A sudden and oddly violent feeling of understanding swept over me as I felt my body start to shake from the raw emotion coursing through my veins. I got up and stumbled into my bathroom, flipping the light on and gripping the sink for support. I looked at myself in mirror; skin pale and clammy, hair still plastered to my skull with sweat, eyes bright and shinning wide with fear. 

“You love him,” I said to my reflection. 

Oh my God, I love him. I am in love with him.

I am in love with Gerard Way. 

Fuhk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shortness, but I needed a bit of a filler chapter to get Frank to transition from one frame of mind to another, plus I wanted to write a bit of smut :)
> 
> Chapter 5 title inspiration - Three Days Grace - Operate


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